Crazy Days

This week has been a trip. I don't think I have been having any noticeable symptoms, but the last two days I was a mess. It all started Wednesday when I stopped to get ice cream after church. I tired to call James a few times and he wasn't answering, I got my ice cream and some for him and was on my way home. By the time I got home the ice cream had started to melt and some had spilled all over my pants. Then James asked where I was and why I didn't answer my phone. I thought I was going to explode, I started to yell and slammed the door. I totally realized that I was being crazy and after a few minutes and some ice cream I was back on Earth. I apologized to James and that started a whole discussion that lead to a lot of tears and another minor freak out on my part. Poor James and no idea what was happening and I didn't either. I have no rational explanation for my actions and I actually felt totally out of control.

Now turn to Thursday. We had a softball game last night, and of course James and I were running late to the game. I completely misplaced all of my softball info and had no idea where I was supposed to be or what field. Then we had to stop and get money to pay the umpire. We made it to the field just a few minutes before game time. Two of my players were in jeopardy of not being able to play and the umpire was giving me a hard time for not having everyone on the field to play in time. I think I snapped at the umpire but I am hoping that I wasn't to awful to him. By the time to game actually stated I was sobbing like a baby. Why? I have no idea! I was more mad than anything but instead of it spewing out anger like Wednesday, it all came flooding out like a little kid who doesn't get their way.

Before we left for the game on Thursday I noticed that I had some light spotting. It really freaked me out so of course I started to Google my brains out. That is why we were running late to the game. Most of the info that I was able to gather was a mixed bag of good and not so good signs. Who really knows. The only thing that I can say from all of my Googling is that no two people have the same issues. I did read on a lot of sites that some spotting is totally normal, but you have to keep an eye on it to make sure it doesn't become heavier. I have not called the doctors office, and really don't plan to. I figure at this point there really isn't anything they can do. I already have an appointment for Tuesday morning, so I just have to hang on until then. We have a busy weekend planned so I am hoping that will keep my mind busy.

James and I have decided to not take any home pregnancy tests before the blood work on Tuesday. We figured that the test might not be accurate and we don't want to get a false positive or a false negative. It is torture waiting, and more than anything I want to test to know what is going on. I am so close to Tuesday, just a few more days!

Amanda

No News is Good News

There has not been much going on at our house lately. I survived the bed rest and healed from the retrieval, the healing took longer than I thought but it wasn't to bad. I even got to get out of the house over the weekend. James too me on a date Saturday night and we had the Parkinson Walk on Sunday. It was nice to be out and about. I went back to work today and it was really weird being back. I know I wasn't gone for to long but I realized how much I like being at home when I was back today. I am hoping that I can be a stay at home mom, or at least a part time stay at home mom. I don't know if that will be in the cards for us, but it is something I really would like to do. And hey if we do have twins, it might be my only option! I haven't really been feeling anything and I don't know if that is really good or bad. I asked what I should expect and the nurse just kind of looked at me and said "you will over analyze everything you feel, so don't worry about it." I guess she was right.

I have to say this whole process up to know has actually not been too bad. The egg retrieval was the worst, but on a scale on one to ten it would be a 7. Even the big guns for the progesterone in oil shots we do are not to bad. I am still so amazed at how everything comes together. Both on the doctors end with timing everything, and on my end with just having a routine down now. I don't even really think about the shots anymore. Nine o'clock rolls around and I start to rock out the heating pad on my butt and get meds together. They say if you hold it in your hand for a bit before you give the shot it will help the oil to thin out a little. I have noticed that if my leg is not quite right then it hurts more, but even that isn't to bad. I did learn very quickly that the heating pad is helpful before the meds to warm up your muscle, but DO NOT use it after you give the shot. Man my butt hurt so bad for two days, I quickly learned that heat after the fact probably was not a great idea and since have stopped using the heating pad and it has been much better. I still have purple circles on my butt, just so James knows exactly where to inject. Sometimes he will make them look like alien faces or something. Whatever it takes to get me to laugh!

I had a blood test today to make sure my hormone levels were rising correctly and everything looked good. We have to wait until Tuesday June 1st for the pregnancy test, and I am really not a good waiter. I am not good at waiting for anything, I get very impatient and frustrated. Fortunately for me we have a very busy week which will help to keep me occupied. I am ready to find out how everything is going. James and I have been praying for the babies everyday and we talk to them. I know it is all for our benefit, but it is kind of fun to talk to Almond and Pistachio. James will rub my belly and say "hello babies, grow big and strong." It is just so sweet. We ask God to bless us with babies and I know that it will all come on his time. I don't want to get ahead of ourselves, but I also don't want to let this precious time go by and regret it later. You can't add love after the fact, even if our babies are not meant to stay with us they will know they were loved. Sometimes my mind starts to go into "worst case scenario mode," and I have to remind myself that I have done everything I can do, and it is all up to God. He is the master planner and who am I to mess with the Master.

I want to thank everyone who has followed along on our journey. I can not tell you how much it means to us, it is an awesome thing to have such a great support system! Thank you for your continued prayers, they mean the world to us!

Love,

Amanda

Knocked Up

Well I guess you could say I am officially knocked up! It is kind of a weird thing to go into the office not pregnant and leave with two tiny babies in your belly. I am on bed rest and while the thought of it sounds great, I am actually getting pretty uncomfortable and bored. I really would like to go for a walk or something, but I am so afraid of doing anything to the babies that I have resigned to staying on my couch.

Here are some photos of our little ones.

We have lovingly decided to call them Almond and Pistachio. I know it is silly and those will not be their birth names but it is a fun thing and way better than peanut 1 and 2. I don't feel any different and I don't really expect to, but the nurse said that I would read into everything. I am hoping that I don't do that, as I have a tendency to drive myself crazy with things. It will take about 5-6 days for the little ones to decide to stick, until then they are free floating. Please keep us in your prayers.

Love,

Amanda

Today is Transfer Day!

We got the call yesterday and today is the big day. We go in for our transfer today, and then bed rest for a day or two. I am not quite sure how everything will go, but we did to a trial transfer so I know the process. I think it is going to be hard to stay on bed rest for a few days, but I have a lot of movies and James will be home today and tomorrow with me. I am so blessed to have him home with me. I am all ready for what is coming and we just keep praying that God will grow our little guys big and strong. We have two embryos to transfer today, and yesterday one was at 2 cells, and the other was at 4 cells. I hope that they have continued to grow over the night, and I hope that they will be super sticky after the transfer. I am a little nervous, but so excited. The hardest thing is knowing that this is the last step and then there is nothing that I can do. There are just alternating days of shots and gel, and a lot of waiting. I better go and get ready. We have to be there at 11a, and we should have our transfer around 12p.

Thank you for your prayers!!

Amanda

We Got the Call

This morning has been like any other morning except for the fact that it isn't. James was able to stay home with me, which is amazing. I had a lot of pain last night and where we did the Progesterone in Oil shot yesterday my butt is really sore. I was surprised that it didn't hurt when we did the injection, but little did I know that it would hurt hours later. I had a hard time sleeping last night. Either my stomach was cramping or my butt/hip would hurt when I moved. I must have been anxious last night because I think I woke up about 100 times to see what time it was.

When I woke up this morning I had a hard time getting out of bed, and going to the bathroom. It hurt to do pretty much anything that involved moving. I am starting to feel better and the pain meds are really helping. I was waiting all morning for the call from the office to let me know how our little guys did overnight, and we had success!!!! From the three eggs they retrieved, two of them were mature. They had to ICSI both of them, (which basically means they injected the sperm into the egg), and both eggs fertilized. I was so excited after I hung up the phone that I actually ventured outside to tell James the news. I started to cry, and I didn't know what was going through my mind. There was a flood of emotions, thankfulness, worry, nervousness, excitement, and pure joy! James and I have two little babies growing! I will find out tomorrow when they will be transfered back to me. It will either be Wednesday or Friday depending on how they are growing. Please pray that they will continue to grow and that they will stick on transfer day.

Thank you,

Amanda

Retrieval Day

Today was a big day! I had my egg retrieval day today, and didn't quite know what to expect. We had to be there at 11:15a, but I always run late, so I told James we needed to be there at 11a. That was a good plan but I was a little freaked today so we were very early. We got there at 10:45a, so we waited for a bit in the waiting room. We brought magazines with us, and took some photos just to remember the day.

The nurse took us into one of the exam rooms, all of the pre op/post op rooms were full. I was not the only one having a retrieval today, which made me feel better. There were actually 7 of us scheduled for today.

Here I am in my sexy gown.

The nurse did the IV and that sucks.That has to be one of the worst things ever. She couldn't get it to go in the first time, so that means we had to try again. Yuck! The second time was a charm and I actually did pretty good with the IV. I didn't have a panic attack this time. YAY! They took me back into the pre op room and we waited for a little longer. Then come the fun part. They took me into the procedure room and strapped me all in. They gave me some funny gas, which made the room spin and then I was in dream land. When I woke up all was done, and I was really tired. I also had to pee really bad, but I was so out of it that I couldn't even get out of the bed. When I finally was feeling more like myself they let me go to the bathroom. I don't think I have ever moved so slow in my whole life. Each step seemed to take forever. I had a lot of bleeding from the procedure, which is normal, but I think it freaked James out a bit. I had a lot of cramping from everything and they gave me some pain meds, it helped a little but I was still hurting.

James helped me to the car, and I slept all the way to Panera. We decided to go there for lunch, and it was a good choice. I was a zombie in the restaurant, and actually feel asleep in the car on the way home. James took such great care of me today.

I found out that they were able to retrieve 3 eggs. They said that was good for me, but I was hoping there would be more. Hopefully all three will fertilize and we can implant two. We should be having our transfer either on Wednesday of Friday. I am taking tomorrow off to rest and recover, but I am out of the zombie land! I feel a little weird knowing that at this moment my eggs are meeting James sperm and by tomorrow we could be growing little babies. It is so exciting and a little nerve racking. I pray that God will watch over our little guys and help to make them grow strong.

Please pray for our little ones and for my pain to go away.

Amanda

Time to Pull the Trigger

So yesterday was an eventful day. I had another fun ultrasound and blood draw, and then a long wait for a phone call. Work was pretty slow on Friday so it was really hard to keep my mind busy. I was concerned about when we would trigger. I had one really big follicle and a few smaller ones. The ultrasound tech was not sure if they would trigger me yesterday or today, and I was concerned that I was not progressing the way I should. Well the office called yesterday afternoon and said that I was ready to go. I then almost had a heart attack when I received my instructions. I found out that I needed two doses of Ovidrel and the pharmacy only gave me one. I asked the nurse and she told me that was "unfortunate", and I thought the world was going to end. I got off the phone and ran, literally ran up to the pharmacy. I was freaking out, and was for sure that I was going to mess all of this up. Fortunately for me the Pharmacy had the meds in stock and were able to fill it before I left work. I was so blessed!!

So James and I were told to do the trigger shot at 11:45p. It had to be right on time, so I of course fell asleep and James kindly woke me up around 11:30p. Waiting for 15 mins to do the shots seemed like forever, I can only imagine how the next 14-16 days are going to go. I must be getting good at the whole shot thing because they didn't hurt at all. I had to go for one last blood test this morning to make sure my hormone levels were in the right range. My levels must have been good because I didn't get a call this afternoon. I received my final instructions for tomorrow and the following days, and then the nerves set in. I left the doctors office with this great high, it was a mix of excitement and wonder. Then through the day it turned into nervousness and excitement, and a little bit of worry. I am not worried about results, I am worried about getting an IV tomorrow. Last time I had an IV I had a panic attack. I really hope that doesn't happen tomorrow, I can't imagine that would be a good thing. So tomorrow is the first big day for us. I am excited and anxious and a bunch of other emotions. When I think about all that we have been through up to this point it almost freaks me out to think we are nearing the end. All of the shots and IVF talk have become a normal routine for me. I guess that I don't have to miss the shots to much, as the big guns come out tomorrow. That is a whole other animal.

Please say a prayer for us for tomorrow, and thank you!

Amanda

Hope

I love it when you can look at something in your life and you just know that God is speaking to you. I know that God is always working in our lives, but it seems like we get busy with life and forget to stop and listen. In the past week two wonderful women have passed along the same verse to me. Both were under different circumstances, but the message is the same, HOPE.

Romans 5:3-5……"rejoice in our sufferings because suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us because God has poured out His love into our hearts through the Holy Spirit whom He has given to us."

Sometimes it is hard for me to look at something I want but can not have, or when something less than desirable happens to me and not get discouraged. It is easy to get mad or think why me, but rarely do I stop and think what am I supposed to be learning, and do I have a thankful heart? God allows us to face struggles for many reasons, but they all have a much greater purpose, God wants to use us. Ephesians 2:10 For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

God is always trying to teach us and help us to grow. He has a great plan for us, and all the things we have to go trough just help to mold us into the person we need to be, in order to accomplish God's plan for us.

James and I are excited for the week ahead, as we should be getting down to the nitty gritty. I am learning to be thankful for all of my circumstances, and I know that God is working on me. I have Hope in what is to come, and I am working on my Hope not being tied to my circumstance.

I want to thank all of you who are praying for us!
Amanda

Getting Close Now

The Tiger's game was super fun, but James and I had to have looked like junkies. We had to do my meds at the game, and I wasn't sure if I was supposed to have the syringes and needles with me in the park, and I didn't want to have to leave. So leave it to James and I to go into the stairwell and do them there. It actually wasn't that bad, and we only had one person question what we were doing.

We we are getting close now. I am so anxious to get to the next part and a little unsure of what to expect. Hopefully if everything is good tomorrow we can do our trigger shot tomorrow night. Then we will have our retrieval day on Sunday. I have been so blessed through everything. I have not noticed any really bad side effects, and I think I was able to avoid the Ovarian Hyper-stimulation Syndrome, YAY! I was really worried about that. I will post more tomorrow and let everyone know what our game plan is. Hopefully we will have a plan.

Thanks for your prayers.

Amanda

P.S. I think I was able to fix the comments so it is easier to post. I don't know if anyone has really tried but check it out.

Adaptability

I always thought of myself as pretty adaptable, easy going, and able to adjust to unscheduled events. James on the other hand thinks that I am nuts, and he is probably right. One of the biggest things I have learned through this whole thing is that I really don't like surprises, unless I know for sure they will be good. I like surprise parties, and especially surprise gifts, but I do not like not knowing what is going to happen or when something is going to happen. Every day or two I have to stop at the doctors office on my way into work for more labs, and more super fun ultrasounds. Each day they check my estradiol levels and the growth of my follies, well today I have potentially 8 that they can try to make embryos from. This is good news for me, especially when a few days ago I was convinced there would only be one. So after I am done at the office I continue my way into work. Then my day goes like this, try to stay really busy to pass the time before the office calls. I really don't like to wait for anything (this I did know about myself). Then eat lunch, wonder if they are going to call and then back to busy work. Well today they didn't call, and I waited and waited. I was getting really worried that something had happened and they just didn't want to tell me. I waited until 3pm and finally broke down and called their office. Silly me, I was not thinking that this is the start of the IVF week and they are super busy. Turns out they just had not read my test yet. So about 30 min later the office calls to say everything looks good. Then I start in with the questions. I am not very good about asking questions when it comes to my doctors, so this was a big deal. I wanted to know everything. Were my levels good, is everything progressing the way it should, when will they tell me to do the trigger shot . . . ? The poor nurse probably thought I was nuts, why would I not ask these questions before? So anyway everything looks really good. They are not concerned that my estradiol number didn't jump very high compared to before, and my meds will stay the same. I hopefully will continue to have my follies grow, and I actually get a day off. I get to go back in on Wednesday and we will see how I am progressing. The way it looks now, I will either trigger on Wednesday or Thursday. Which means that retrieval day will either be Friday or Saturday. This is good news for me and for James. If we go on Saturday he will not have to take a day off work, which is good because he has only been at his job for a little while. Also, I don't have to worry about how I am going to be feeling after the retrieval, so I don't have to worry about missing much work. The whole process is going fine from what I can tell. I have been doing a lot of reading to see how other women have been doing as they go through this, and from what I can tell I am pretty much on par. I don't really get stressed about any of it, but waiting and not know the progression of things is really a growing experience for me. I guess you never stop learning or growing. Hopefully when we are all done with this James will be able to say that I am adaptable. Well . . . probably not, but maybe a bit more that I was before!
For James and I we are off to the Tigers game with my Mom and Dad. I have to find a way to bring all of meds into the park without getting in trouble. Hopefully they won't say anything about them. It will be an experience to do them at the game, but hey I am just learning to be more adaptable!

Thanks for your prayers!

Updates, and Emotions

I have been very emotional today. I think all the meds, the constant blood work and ultrasounds are finally catching up to me. My poor arms look like I have been shooting up, and I guess you could say I have been doing the exact opposite. The nurse said it is from taking a baby aspirin everyday, and from having a blood draw every day or two. I also have a huge bruise on my belly from the injections last night, it is so big that James thought that I had spilled ink on my belly. I had an ultrasound and blood work today, and I guess everything is going well. I have 25 follies on my right side and one is 10.5mm while the rest are still less than 8mm. I have 30 follies on my left side but all of them are less than 8mm. I don't really know if that is good, bad, or normal. The nurse didn't seem to concerned today when I talked with her, I just hope we have more that decide to blossom. I know it only takes one embryo, but I guess I would like to have the option of more than one developing. Our hope is that I can produce enough eggs, and we can create enough embryos that we will not have to do the stim meds again when we want to have more kids, or if we have to try again. I would perfer to not have to do the stim meds again, they really are not a lot of fun. Although it is funny how you make all the shots just another part of your day. I don't even really think about it anymore. 8:45p rolls around, and everything in our house stops for about 15 mins, I get all my meds together and James is ready to inject.

I seemed to really be in a funk today. I was having a hard time getting baseball tickets, and that just kind of pushed me over the edge. I was ruined for the rest of the day, and it was over something so stupid. It seemed like no matter what I did I couldn't get myself to go past the ticket mix-up. Then all of the doubt started to kick in. I started to question if we were doing the right thing, if I was progressing the way I should, what would happen if . . .. My mind was a mess today. I always say that I have so much fun in my head, but today just was not a fun day. I fortunately have a wonderful husband who altered our plans for the evening so I could curl up into a ball and just relax on the couch. He even stopped at the store to pick up a wonderful dose of chocolate cake. I think you can fix almost anything with chocolate cake. I think that was just what I needed. I spent some time with James and we had a nice long talk. I really feel better about everything, and I am excited to go for my blood work and ultrasound tomorrow. Hopefully they will have more news about my follies tomorrow, and we can move closer to a retrieval date.

I did come across a great scripture verse today, as I was searching to see if I was in the normal zone, and I just know that God put that in front of my eyes today.

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day."
Habakkuk 2:3

What a great reminder of who is really in control.

Thank you for your prayers and support.

At Home Pharmacy

I have been doing well with all of my injections, but my poor belly is starting to look like swiss cheese. I have so many red dots all over, and now that we are doing two injections a day we have been using both sides of my belly. We alternate the side everyday for each med, but it is one injection on each side every day. I thought that I would post some photos of all of the meds just in case you wanted to know.

This is the Lupron 5 units every day

This is the syringe/needle for the Stim meds

Here are all the stim meds lined up and ready to be drawn up

This is everything before we get started

So far I haven't had any noticeable side effects, and I am so glad. I did have a mood swing moment this morning, but I will chalk that up to running late, and dogs that would not listen. I have had a headache that I can not shake and I am afraid to take anything for it. I will just wait it out, it has to go away eventually right?

I had an appointment this morning to check all of my levels and so far so good. My estradiol level was 200, and I have 25 follicles on each ovary that are measuring less than 8mm right now. The nurse said everything looks good but because of my PCOS (poly cystic ovaries) they want me to come back in tomorrow for another check. I am really hoping that this does not become an everyday visit. I really like the office and their staff, but I would like to only visit every few days. My boss has been very understanding, and really good about all of the doctor visits. I just hope that this try will be successful so we don't have to go through all of this again. I am missing a lot of work, and we haven't even gotten to the retrieval or transfer day yet. I just realized this week that I am scheduled for the IVF week starting next Wednesday the 12th. That kind of freaked me out a little bit. It is funny how you wait so long for a day to come, and then all of a sudden it is only a few days away and your nervous. I am scheduled for the May IVF, which means that anytime between the May 12th and 19th I will be having my retrieval and then 3 to 5 days later they will do the transfer. I can't wait!

Thank you to everyone who is praying for us, I can not imagine how this would be without all the support.

Love and prayers,

Amanda

Lazy Sundays

So at the Clouse house we used to have a tradition that we fondly called "Lazy Sunday." It was great, we would go to Saturday night church, sleep in on Sunday morning, make coffee, and either James would make breakfast or we would order in from our favorite restaurant. We would lounge around all day and do anything we wanted. Most of the time we would watch movies, or catch up on our DVR. Sometimes I would read a magazine, and James would play video games, it was pretty much an anything goes type of day. We would get ready for our day around 4pm because we had the Jr. High kids coming over, and after they left we would continue our day until we went to bed. It was a total indulgence day for us. There was no working, unless we had to clean up before the kids came over, and there could be naps if necessary. It was like living in a movie, a fancy breakfast in our PJs, great coffee and a whole day with James.

Well those days are on hiatus for us. James was asked to teach one of the Sunday school classes and he loves it. He has been talking about going to Moody Bible College to get his bible degree. He has spent a lot of time praying about this and in the fall or winter he will be signing up for independent study. I am so proud of him, and will gladly put our famous "Lazy Sundays" on hold until further notice. Maybe I can talk him into Lazy Saturdays! It seems like there are a lot of changes going on at our house, and I am so excited to see where God leads. The Bible says in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I love to know that my God has a wonderful plan in store for James and I. I know that no matter what comes at us God will always provide a way for us. James and I have been so blessed, and we can go back to so many times where it looked so bleak for us for any different reason and we can see how God provided a way for us. So I know that while I miss my "Lazy Sunday" it is all for a wonderful reason. And I know that all of the injections, and the doctor appointments are all for a reason. God allows us trials so we can learn to rely on Him, and bring glory to Him.

God Bless,

Amanda

Injections Part Deux

Today is the next big step for James and I. I had an appointment this morning for a blood draw and ultrasound, the office called me this afternoon, and said that everything looked good. I was given the go ahead to start the stimulation meds. So now instead of just the Lupron, we do the Lupron, Bravelle, and Menopur. The Bravelle and Menopur get mixed together, and the Lupron is still on its own, for a total of two injections. I was doing really good with the Lupron and just when we were getting the hang of it, we added another one. The stim meds really hurt when we injected them today. I don't know if this is a normal thing or if I just caught a bad spot for the injection. I am excited to get this part started, but I am a little tentative about being on all of the meds. I have read horror stories about ovarian hyper stimulation, and I am praying that I don't get it, or at least that I don't get it very bad. Please pray that I don't have bad side effects from the meds.

Amanda